Motherhood rage is real…
Last month my family went through a bout of sickness. First my eldest daughter got sick, she’s the most sensitive of my children and feels everything to its fullest, which has been such an opening for me to embrace my own sensitivities throughout my motherhood journey…
It is a constant journey of acceptance and opening deeper and deeper as we notice and embrace our triggers.
My nine year old woke screaming in the night… night after night she was wanting to sleep across my body whilst I am also co sleeping with her younger brother… she would howl and whine until the whole house was standing at her bedside in the middle of the night wondering what on earth was wrong.
After days of broken sleep trying my hardest to understand her discomfort whilst feeling my energy decline until I too was sick and miserable… my patience had slipped into frustration and I snapped at her when she tried to climb into my bed again in the middle of the night.
“No! Just go to sleep!! It can’t be that bad?!! Leave me alone!!” I completely disregarded her big feelings in the hope that she could just turn them off and let me get some rest.
She never did self soothe; when she was a baby my attempts to teach her to calm herself in her own bed always failed… I don’t know why I would think it would work now…
It reminded me of the time I was at my worst… when I was a new mum with a sensitive toddler who had separation anxiety and a new born baby who needed every inch of me too…
A time when I was close to losing everything that meant anything to me…
My marriage, the happy harmonious home I know have, the circle of supportive family and friends I have since called in.
A time when I always felt so angry, I was snapping at everyone. My husband copped it for trying to help me around the house… my sister copped it for trying to get me dinner… my children had a mum who would scream at her wits end…
I don’t consider myself an angry person - but when I explode I am drenched in shame that I hardly recognise myself.
I’ve always been so chill, the calm one, the quiet one - only those who know me the most have ever seen my rage unleashed… my parents and siblings growing up… my husband behind closed doors when I was learning how to communicate without slamming furniture around the room.
But when I am pushed to hold space for such a stretched amount of time when I have nothing left to give… I feel my breath get shorter,my skin crawls and I feel the heat rise in my body as my arms tense and my hands clench together, my throat closing over until I can’t speak only huff, growl and then I will howl.
A wild beast unleashed she is hungry for something yet she does not know what or how to reach that part of herself when she is unraveling from the masks that she has held tight to… maintaining her composure for just a second to long without recognising her own nature within needed her to be seen.
I have to run away and get out of sight to scream into a pillow or burrow my face into my arms folded up over my face… before I fling everything and everyone within touching distance out of my way.
I don’t want to say something hurtful, I don’t want to push my kids away.
I don’t want to scare my family when I throw something… out of the blue.
Rage is anger uncontrolled. When the reactions overcome you and it’s like you have no say over how you are behaving in the moment. Instinct takes over and you are wild and unruly.
Motherhood rage is real.
We spend so much energy trying to meet expectations when we are birthed into motherhood.
Expectations of ourselves to be a “good mum” with the demands of a new baby needing every inch of you every minute and the morphing relationships in your life from your partner to your parents…
The mothers needs are often brushed aside. With little sleep, poor nutrition and a healing body.
There’s not enough time given to process the emotions that come with this shift in a modern society…
We need to acknowledge:
The hormonal rebalancing - as the cycle realigns and finds a new path.
The nutritional depletion that needs to be rebuilt and nourished for a healing body that is most likely breastfeeding a new life. You are completely building a new person from all that you have. There is no room for the poor eating habits that are rife with new mums surviving off scraps and snacks she can get in with one hand while she juggles the baby.
Let’s make space for the sleep pattern disturbances… need I say more… sleep is so important for mood balance, immune modulation, stress management and energy replenishment! It may be outside of your control when you are nurturing children 24/7 but there is room for rest and ways to incorporate safe sleeping whilst breastfeeding as well.
We also must acknowledge the relationship changes and demands involved in going from a partnership to a family, the demands and expectations and responsibility shifts and the loss of the maiden self when all you needed to focus on was you and your own needs and your relationship with one other is now a family dynamic.
The motherhood portal must hold space for shifts of the physical self, the relationships around you and a grieving of the old version of self that you are letting go of or morphing through into a new version of self.
It can feel very lonely, like you have no support system around you if the relationships you once relied on now don’t know how to fill the spaces you require to be filled, or perhaps your family is far away, perhaps you feel like you can’t trust another, or the system to support you if you have been let down through the birthing process or want to do things differently to those around you in society and feel like no one understands the way you want to parent differently.
As time moves forward it can feel like you are stagnant in a cloud of monotonous tasks, the cooking, the cleaning, the shusshing and rocking then to go through it again day after long ass day.
We see colleagues excelling and opportunities passing us by… as we put aside our careers prospects, dreams or what you thought your life could be to maintain the societal pressures to show up as a good mother OR the ambitious “successful” woman why does there have to be this division of who we GET to be.
Triggers don’t come out of the blue, even if that’s what it looks like to others who see you exuding calm presence all day to snap over one tiny request for another sippy drink…
There is an underwater iceberg of unresolved issues and resentment that hasn’t been acknowledged…
Unprocessed emotions from the day that lead up to this moment, motherhood depletion of her basic needs required to function, overstimulation of noise and too many devices playing different frequencies for the neurodiverse and highly sensitive mummas, repressed pleasure and creative outlets and even past life influences and generational patterns that you are now here, being called to break these cycles and stop passing down their words and stories. - you wouldn't be here listening to me now if this wasn’t your mission in this lifetime…
This journey of magickal mothering saved my motherhood from my inner rage monster… I now notice my triggers and have a tool kit to process the shadow realms that surface again and again and everytime it gets easier.
In the heat of the moment the best thing you can do is take space. Don’t try to address your triggers or repeat mantras through deep breaths if it’s not going to release the pent up frustration to compensate for the rage. Just get some room between you and others.
Maybe you can leave the kids with a responsible adult and take a walk, do a work out or do some gardening weeding is my go to.
Maybe you can use the element of water, a cold shower or running cold water over your wrists to help you cool off and reset your nervous system.
It’s important to come back and apologise, and redirect the guidance that needed to be delivered at the time of the trigger but wait until the rage has left your body first. You don’t want to be guiding your child through discipline or talking them through their actions that triggered you when you're still reeling. Come back to it when you are grounded and in control of yourself.
Some starting points to process the triggered emotional body…
Journaling
Daily journal check ins help to figure what what’s lying beneath your triggers and what is making your stress expand within until it explodes - is it rushing in the mornings? - is it the thought of others judgements? - Is it a lack of connection and feeling like you don’t know yourself anymore?
In a daily journal check in I would put, the date, the moon and sun signs, the day of my cycle, my mantra for the day and how I’m feeling about that.
At the end of the day I may be able to find the time to delve into the habits that I maintained that strengthened me, the things that fell apart and my beliefs around why.
Allowing time and space for extended journaling sessions - even if thats just once a week, so that you can unlock old memories from your own childhood through free writing, releasing stuck emotions or stories that are underwriting the emotions that are exploding from not being processed.
This untangles the anger and resentment from those you are expressing it towards and helps you to process who you are angry with - yourself, your parents - societies expectations?? Releasing the shame that you harbour when you push down emotions and don’t acknowledge your own truth. Returning your power comes by first recognising where you feel powerless.
The gold is in the dark
Meditation
Simply taking 5 minutes of alone time in silence just to focus your breath and ground your energy brings a level of calm into your days.
Find a time that you can do this ritualistically everyday… it may be waking up before the kids and doing it with a little one on the breast… on maybe just after they fall asleep at night or in the morning nap time?
Everyone is different and will find an individualised way to connect this into their days.
To begin I would find anchor points around the house - what do you do when you are feeling that rage building
Switching on the kettle as an anchor point when I was living off 5 instant coffees a day and toddler scraps…
Where do you retreat when you’re feeling overwhelmed? Maybe something on your bedside table if you retreat to your bed or an affirmation card posted to your toilet wall to remind you to breath when you are hiding from the family.
Know your needs
Make a list of your needs up on the fridge - have you drank water today, have you eaten something substantial? Do you need to brush your teeth and hair to feel more human right now? Are you able to take a shower or step out for a walk around the block? Having a list up on my fridge in my early days helped to snap me back out of my spiral et get my physical body attended to.
Simplify your life
Declutter one small space - maybe just taking the rubbish out can give you a reset - less mess inside plus a walk in fresh air to the bin, some quiet for a moment?
Review your calendar regularly to make sure what is head of you is still aligned with your values, remind yourself it’s ok to say no to events and commitments and reschedule - or don’t if your energy isn’t up for this right now. By the time I had my third baby I had learnt my need to hibernate with a newborn, it was a season of resting and playing at home as we slowly built in the practices and meet ups that feuled us as a family without buring out by over committing.
Find community
Building a circle is something that really helped me - I was honest with myself - I realised I wasn’t the only one who had these thoughts - they stopped being so taboo - by being real I found a village of mums who got me and I could be real with. I could hang out with them while my house is a mess I can sit there and say nothing while watching our kids play together on the days I was too tired to be social.
Consider getting help
When I was going through this I thought I had to do it all alone, for the shame of admitting I wasn’t coping, for not trusting the system after feeling betrayed by them and feeling very alone and misunderstood by people around me when I wanted to parent differently to what everyone else around me was doing.
When dealing with complex triggers, depression and anxiety getting professional help can be just what you need to get yourself back on track. Maybe you need someone to hold space for you, maybe you are interested in clearing the emotions with energy work and delving into the shadows of your inner realms with journeys into your family lineage or your soul realm memories in the akashic records.
There’s so much shame attached to motherhood rage - no one wants to bring it up or admit to screaming at their kids to get in the car before the play date… but the more we bring these topics into our conversations the less we feel like we are the only ones.
I struggled in solitude for a long time before I felt safe enough to trust another with my truth - but when I did that's when everything shifted for me.
Motherhood rage is real and you can change how you react.
When you can’t regulate your own responses, how are you going to teach your kids how to react calmly when they are feeling their own triggers?
It’s not something that you get one healing for and you’re done and changed - it’s a process, a journey of unravelling your stories and accepting yourself where your’e at over and over again.
It’s maintained by a level of self care that is above the bubble bath and pedicures.
It’s a process that nourishes you body, mind and spirit. Keeping you well hydrated and refuelled with quality foods right for you, she gets the right amount of rest ( I won’t say sleep because - kids) she gets to find pleasure in herself and thrives feeling aligned with her purpose - and it all vibrates out from her and her kids feel it too - her relationships and her child's confidence soars to new heights.
You know your kids deserve better, you deserve better too - commit to making the small changes that strengthen you. Weave them into your rhythm so that they are your new normal - it's building yourself back up again as the strengthened version who is your favourite self to hang out with.
Love to you on your magickal mothering journey,
Dania