Cultivating patience with defiant kids

I feel there is a common misconception that I’m a patient and calm person…

I get “oh I could never homeschool my kids… I’m just not patient enough, I need too much time for myself, I value my quiet too much…”  or perhaps it’s “I could never meditate with my kids around… I just cannot get calm enough whilst they are creating chaos…”

Well hmmm… I am definitely not a perfect mother, nor am I always patient and calm. 

I am strongly introverted, neurodivergent and quiet alone time is a must for me or yeah I get overstimulated which activates my anxiety and I end up raging out at everyone when I lose my patience and calm reserves. 

When I was birthed into motherhood, I was not prepared for how much of myself was required on a 24/7 basis. 

With a New Earth child, who is highly sensitive to energy, foods and her environment and then astral travelling into past lives whilst sleeping to awaken terrified and discombobulated it required high attachment and stable grounded energy from me whilst she borrowed my energy field. 

I struggled! I was not a patient mother or wife and I was drowning in my own rage.

I tried to lean into mainstream systems such as the community mothers groups and then going back to work to gain some identity and space as a mother whilst my baby went to daycare… but it missed the mark and wasn’t filling my energy reserves or that of my child. 

When I would return back to her she was starved of connection and would take twice as much. 

Even now, my children can be perfect angels for everyone else but here in their home they are their full selves and will unleash fury if not given the utmost reverence. With their intense knowing that they have all the answers and no need to listen to me… 

This I now know as a blessing, that my children feel safe to be seen in all of their emotions and know that they are loved unconditionally. A sign of true attachment.

This work was ignited in me to reclaim my magic so that I could keep up with the magic that my children were triggering me with. 

They are showing up as everything I was not allowed to be - to speak back - to push the boundaries and question authority - to assert my intelligence. 

As a child I was met with shame and fear and I bowed down to please in order to keep the peace and my place - my love and acceptance that I was fearful of losing. 

My children, I am so proud of their defiant natures - I have guided them to never simply accept and always challenge what you are presented with.

They know they are loved even in their fury and even in their defiance… and so they have no reason not to stand and push. 

But man it’s exhausting 

If I allow myself to get bogged down by the short term picture, it can feel like failure. 

I see my mother shaking her head and rolling her eyes when my kids hear me say one thing but carry on their own path regardless of what I have just directed… I take it on as a judgement of my parenting… she would have dealt differently and never let us walk all over her like that… 

But what other people think of me is none of my business and actually a complete fable as I will never know what others are truly thinking. The thoughts I conjure that must be running through their mind are a figment of my imagination. 

I have no right to implant judgements into my conception of another's energy.

But when I anchor into my end game as a mother to the new earth children I breathe deep and have faith that my children will be ok out there. 

Our lack of patience is a signpost that alerts us to our triggers and that we are skating on thin ice when it comes to honouring our own values, needs and boundaries or our children's values, needs and boundaries! 

This journey is a balance of our needs with our childrens. Both are equally valid. 

Explain to your child, in a way that is age appropriate, that you don’t like how things are going with this conversation or activity. 

“This isn’t fun…” or maybe, “I don’t like how we are communicating to each other right now…”

Return to your values - what is important to the way you parent your child, what is out of alignment here? 

Check in with your own needs - are you hungry, have you had a glass of water lately, are you putting a task off that is stressing you out or making you uncomfortable?

Take space and reassert your boundaries. - Last night I was at the end of my patience with my eldest after the rest of our household had gone to bed, so I told her, “I know we need to find a better solution here but right now I need to take a shower and regain some calm energy before I can hear you clearly. I’m going to go and have my shower and I would appreciate it if you can wait here in your room for me and I’ll come in and be with you after my shower.“

This gave me the space to address my energy, I felt sweaty and uncomfortable which only exacerbated my frustrations at the end of the day, I lit a candle and washed my hair and ended with some deep breaths and cold water therapy. 

Now I was grounded enough to parent from my child's values, needs, boundaries and space. 

She didn’t want space, she wanted me pressed up against her, holding her tight… I climbed into bed with her. She wanted me all to herself. 

I stroked her hair and told her a meditative story of a girl with her name that would not bow down to authority and never fit into the confines of the village with the high stone walls to keep the wild creatures out. I told her how she found her community there within the wild realm and how by living her truth with kindness in her heart she was adored by the land of the wild and the other magical creatures trusted her to shown them their magic too and she was witness to so much beauty that the village behind the walls could never comprehend but only fear. She had a tribe that loved her for who she is, wild and free, she has no need to fight anymore just listen to the needs of the realm and rise above to see the beauty in the whole. 

She drifted into her calm in my arms, until when I shifted the weight of my arm she no longer clinged for fear of being abandoned in the loneliness of her bed. And she said “Good night mum, you can go…”

Taking space requires soothing of the nervous system. 

To be able to get to that patient grounded state of being, even when we have a defiant child who is here to carve new rules for the New Earth that is here and ready to be walked upon.

There are many ways in which we can do this - meditation, breathwork, nature walk, cold water therapy, flower essences, herbal medicine, circle with community in sacred space, movement like yoga or a boxing class depending on where you are at in your stress cycle.

We also must be on top of our sleep cycles, rhythms and nutrition.

When I activated my magic, it guided me to weave magical practises into my mothering to anchor me into a grounding calm energy whilst acknowledging the needs of my children are individual and require different attentions.