Healing the school wound

This week the universe is presenting me with the opportunity to work through my school wound once again. The comparisons of myself against other people contributing to my area of passion have been rising and have me feeling inadequate. 

After working for 7 years at my degree, to become a bachelor qualified Naturopath, birthing two babies during that time, raising three children and homeschooling without pausing my degree, I have now decided to withdraw from clinic with only 3 blocks to go until I would be fully qualified.

I did not stop, I staggered my subjects and balanced and sacrificed my life but here I have made a choice to honour my values and stand down due to the government's medical mandates. My dreams of being a medical herbalist are feeling threatened and it has triggered my core wounding. 

My intuition tells me “defer for a year and continue your studies in a way that brings back the passion and pleasure in sharing plant magic.” Things are shifting so quickly this is a time for watering the roots and so this year I am nourishing my nervous system that burnt out in a full time degree throughout a pandemic, whilst mothering and homeschooling… 

See, healing is not linear, for me it is a spiral and whilst you work on a wounding within your shadow you may feel like you’re done and that it’s processed and now healed… and then… it may come up again in the future in a different light. I know for so many of my clients this has been so frustrating to meet this woundings again and again - but it is teaching you to love yourself deeper as you accept and embrace more and more of your shadow self.  

I refer to it as a spiral, as the next time you meet it and then then next, it will perhaps become smaller and smaller as you are developing the tools to notice what arises and give it the space and love to be heard and held. I also enjoy the imagery of the spiral as just as the seasons spiral in and out, it gives us seasons of down time. 

I do not believe it is our life purpose to heal and believe me, to be constantly working to heal yourself and your wounds is a path to burnout.. I believe it is our soul purpose to thrive and that comes into play on the path of radical self acceptance as we relish in the pleasure and flowing into rest and finding that comfort within. 

But things arise and then we meet them as they come.  

So as a child I was always praised as being the quiet achiever, I got high marks and in highschool I was in the “A” classes for Math, Science and Literature… But what I remember from school are mostly not happy memories. 

I have flash backs to anxiety that had me pee myself with a genuine fear of my prep teacher who would screech at the class and in grade three, having a teacher standing over my shoulder whilst I did a spelling test - because I didn’t get as good of marks on the last test so he was making sure I was applying myself this time round. I remember my trembling hands and biting my bottom lip as I couldn’t focus on my paper, I couldn’t get it to make sense as I could only feel his energy aggressively domineering over me.

I remember the taunting in the playground - all the way through my schooling years, being chased with sticks and called names as I didn’t fit in for a variety of reasons. 

I remember writing opinion pieces on topics that I knew my teacher would like with hopes that I would be graded better, approved and accepted. Despite my own thoughts being completely off track - I must be wrong, if that's not the common agreement on the topic? 

I remember smashing down a coffee at 4am even though I hated the taste because I had to wake up and work through my studies - when I was only 14. 

I remember getting frustrated at myself and stabbing myself with scissors whilst crying on  the floor of my room - for not being able to get my calculus functions right when I was in year 11. I remember my interview to get into a new school that would increase my chances of acceptance into the Vet Science degree that I wanted and being told I needed to repeat year 11 as my grades were not high enough for this private school's standards and happily agreeing and doubling my workload to make up for it.

I remember hiding alcohol in my drawers and taking a swig before heading off for the day to ease my anxiety and get me out the door… 

I had some shitty teachers who made me feel shitty about myself but I also had some brilliant teachers. My issues are not with teachers themselves, don’t get me wrong. I think a lot of teachers are doing a marvellous job in an uphill battle.   

Teachers are pushed to deliver a high expectation curriculum with little resources or support. With often so many children per teacher there isn’t usually the time for individualised learning approaches - despite the teacher having the best intentions, values or skills. 

Teacher burnout, (alongside medical mandates) are the leading reasons for resignations with little societal appreciation for the profession, according to Victoria University director of learning and teaching Ligia Pelosi. Last year, in 2021, the Australian College of Educators stated that 83% of educators in Victoria had contemplated resignation.  

I feel for teachers, I really do. And I value education and learning deeply and widely about the world and its history and cultures. But I’m not going to stay within a system that doesn’t align with my values. 

I am talking about this today, not just to share my insights around my own healing journey but for my Magickal Mummas, as I know this has been on so many minds and hearts lately too. A lot of you are wondering if you should be sending your kids back to school or if they should begin at all… is it the environment and atmosphere that could nurture your magickal souls best in this world…?

Working through these wounds that are implicated by a system out of touch with children's needs is something that comes up a lot when I’m working with women through surrendering, accepting, shining their unique light, finding their soul purpose and moving against mainstream authorities and practises. So much of unleashing your children to be their most favourite selves is in accepting our own most favourite selves!

The school wound may show up as that ever persistent lack of self worth. If you find yourself questioning your choices or feelings and constantly seeking external validation this may be a school wound from always striving for better grades and higher praise…

If you find that you struggle setting boundaries and feel guilty when you’re not people pleasing and making sure people approve of you and your choices, this may be a school wound from holding parts or yourself back to fit into the boxes required, providing the answers that got the ticks and not straying from the teachers orders even if it meant holding on when you were desperate for a pee…

If you find you are always suffering comparisonitis and never feeling like you are doing ENOUGH, this may be a school wound from competing for top marks, being graded and classed into groups based on labels and levels, trying over and over again for a student of the week nomination, or being elected house captain…

If you find you can never relax, you always need to be working towards something and never feeling done with a guilt for resting and enjoying pleasure based activities, this may be a school wound from getting extra work if you finished early and play time cancelled or restricted if you hadn’t completed your assigned task in time or spoke out of turn…  

This repeated denying autonomy, discernment and internal validation creates a lack of knowing the self and understanding what truly lights up that sacral fire because you were made to do tasks that had no meaning or interest for you and told that they would determine the success for the rest of your life.

You never experienced the trust of an elder knowing that you would find your own way, in your own time and instead were fueled by a constant search for approval, compliments and feedback on your work or it's all been for nothing. Worthless. 

Obedience to the system is either all or nothing - where is the discernment - a measured approach that comes from heart alignment.

The system is designed to corral the compliant, the assigned task focused and excluding those who make decisions against the narrative - where does this lead a workforce for future communities when university entrance is determined on following the predetermined path, when the teachers stepping into the role for the future leaders have been conditioned with so much patterning of compliance, competition or shame and failure. 

So much indoctrinated shame for not fitting the box, so much so that these practises are so normal we have been desensitised to thinking they are something to heal from, to send love back to that small version of you that was feeling knock after knock to self confidence.

The values I wanted to experience and align with for my family were:

Freedom and autonomy to follow your heart and have control over your own body and mind, choices and beliefs.

Creativity and unique expression to not be defined by the expectations of others but play in your own ideas and ways of delivering your soul into the world. 

Intuition and trust in yourself to know what you want to learn, when you're ready for the next level and when it is time to rest and let your energy recuperate.

Connection and strengthened relationships with all ages, levels, cultures and backgrounds a diverse learning environment that happens in real time. 

Community and kindness to reach out and help others and stand up for your natural world within boundaries that keep you feeling nourished and strengthened to give. 

And this is what I’m working towards with my daily intentions and how I am working to show up in the world as their mother. 

Children don't need more teachers, they need role models… - This is the work that we are here for on this Magickal Mothering Journey

Saying yes to feminine flow, pleasure, following our passions, working in our rhythm with our strengths radical self acceptance and carving our own future paths based on our values!! 

In the New Earth we are building community rather than systems. Systems oppress whilst communities collaborate, listen and respect all within. Akilah S. Richards, who wrote Raising Free People - with a focus on Decolonizing education defines deschooling as “the process of shedding the programming and habits that resulted from other peoples agency over your time, body, thoughts and actions.” Deschooling is as much a process for you as a parent as it is important for your child if they have been in that system for any period of time. A part of our work as Magickal Mothers is to ensure we are raising children with cultural awareness - but more on that another time!

Our Magickal Mothering Journey is about healing these wounds within ourselves so that we can free our children to birth a New Earth that thrives in love. It starts with being present for the present you with forgiveness and acceptance and to also be there for the smaller you who endured so much when so little, so highly sensitive to the needs and expectations of the world around you.

A lot of the women I have worked with have gone onto unschool their children, and I am so proud of them for trusting themselves and working with their children on this life learning journey but for some of the women I have worked with it is aligned with their values to have their children in school yet parent in a way that is supportive and conscious of the school wound and build connective relationships within their families to avoid passing on the wounding - and i am so proud of them for trusting their instincts and raising conscious kids! 

There is no one way to parent and home education isn’t right for everyone. What is most important is that you are aligned as a family in your energies and values and that’s what I’m here to support you with.