Roots & Remedies for Low Libido in Motherhood
There was a time when sex was the last thing on my mind.
It just wasn’t registering for me.
I was exhausted and overwhelmed in my Mothering.
I remember feeling so irritable in my relationship - I couldn't communicate what I wanted.
I wanted it… I wanted to be wanted but I didn’t want to be touched. I felt like such a contradiction and I just couldn’t explain when I tried to discuss it with my partner.
That only fuelled my confusion and feelings of being disconnected and out of sync with my world - my partner, my body.
The truth is my libido was low.
My sex drive had left the building.
Looking back on it now, it’s hard for me to conjure what it was like because things for me personally now are better than ever and even before kids I considered my sex drive to be pretty good but these days it’s just so much more.
I think now not only am I living a much healthier lifestyle but I am also much more comfortable in my body and have released a lot of the shame I experienced when I was younger for wanting sex and being sexually curious.
One of my favourite side effects when working with Women to heal through burnout, mental health challenges and depletion is the way they light up when telling me how much their sex life has improved.
The flow on effect of improved libido lifts the energy across the board physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually - because libido is a key indicator of your vital force!
So let’s talk about definitions…
‘Libido’ is a Latin word meaning desire or lust also known as your ‘Sex Drive’ it’s commonly known as your desire to have sexual relations or intercourse.
‘Sexual dysfunction’ is a bit more complex so we won’t go into much detail on that in this particular article but it includes challenges in desire, arousal, orgasm and sexual pain. We can talk about that another day.
The thing is there is no right amount of libido. How much sex you want to have, or think about, is highly personal and can vary greatly from person to person and can even change dramatically across a lifespan or your monthly cycle.
So for this article I will be referring to reaching ‘vitalised libido’ rather than a ‘healthy’ one.
What I’m speaking to here is when you notice that your drive is depleted and you are wanting to find ways to improve your libido perhaps to improve your moods, intimacy with your partner or even with yourself - Especially in Motherhood.
Low libido may look like:
Lack of interest in any sexual activity
Rarely occurring sexual thoughts or fantasies
Lack of Orgasm
Vaginal dryness
Painful Sex
Lowered sense of arousal
Firstly I want to clarify that you are not broken!!
So many women say this when they come to me.. They just feel broken… and it hurts my heart.
Your body has put some road blocks up to protect you, and we can do some detective work to navigate to your individual root cause as to what may be going on for you.
Roots to Low Libido
Motherhood Burnout
Low Libido is expected when you are in survival mode.
Your body will always prioritise stress hormones over sex hormones.
Stress triggers adrenaline which keeps you in a state of Fight or flight - never feeling safe enough to relax into generating Oxytocin and Dopamine required for opening to and receiving pleasure.
Chronic stress means increased cortisol which is one of the biggest roadblocks to sex drive as it dampens testosterone in both men and women, as well as causing dysregulation among other endocrine systems.
Depletion in micronutrients is also a common occurrence especially postpartum, with low zinc, vitamin D, iron all linked to low libido.
Lack of Sleep and or cosleeping
Lack of Sleep and or cosleeping with young children has been a repeat offender in killing motherhood libido but just because you have little ones does not mean you shouldn’t be able to feel sexual desire. It can take a bit of manoeuvring to make it work, finding pockets in the day or relocating to other areas - not just the bedroom to get together.
In the early days we are primally tuned into caring for our babies, and our bodies need a break from making babies so will be naturally tuned out from sexual desires but as our babies grow and may be still breastfeeding or co sleeping with us as toddlers and even young children it can get tiring to feel that yearning to want more from your body and pleasure centres than you feel capable to give.
If you are feeling ‘Touched Out’ from a day of giving yourself away to others' needs you need to give back to yourself before you can expect yourself able to give more of yourself to another.
Hormonal Imbalance
Hormone balance is important for a vitalised Libido, considering your balance of oestrogen, progesterone, DHEAs and testosterone levels can indicate a lot with where you are in your cycle and what to expect from your level of sexual desire.
Different days of your cycle can mean different levels of Libido, you may notice you are more heightened around follicular and ovulation stages and will have less lively libido in your luteal phase before your bleed.
If your cycles are out of whack then your libido may also be out of sync.
Drops in Oestrogen can lead to vaginal atrophy meaning thinned vaginal tissues and dryness which can mean pain during sex.
Other hormones that we need to consider when your libido has dropped are reviewing if you have low thyroid hormone, high prolactin or dysregulated Insulin - all of which are hormones that can impact your sexual moods!
Neurotransmitter Imbalance
Contributing to issues such as Anxiety and Depression, the balance of neurotransmitters is an important component when assessing libido and the interconnection with hormonal balance.
Dopamine Norepinephrine are excitatory messengers, whilst Serotonin is inhibitory to sex drive.
To assess Neurotransmitters we need to delve into the Gut-Brain Axis and can assess with other functional testing.
Medications
Did you know the Oral Contraceptive Pill (OCP) may influence your pheromones and ability to judge who you are attracted to! It has also been shown to raise levels of Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG) which binds to other sex hormones.
Selective Serotonin Reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) commonly prescribed for depression and anxiety can impact your desire alongside antipsychotics, antihypertensives and corticosteroids.
Low Self Worth
Your body changes after birth, and can be a trigger for women losing confidence in their body, feeling ashamed of weight gains and stretch marks.
If you are not feeling comfortable in your body it is inhibiting your connection with your pleasure and connection with your partner.
Dysfunctional relationships
If you are not feeling safe or even not feeling heard or respected in your relationship then it is understandable that your body is not going to be desiring deeper intimacy with another.
Introducing children to a relationship does alter the dynamics and this can be challenging for some couples to adjust to. If you are struggling with your relationship I suggest you seek relationship counselling.
If you are experiencing a situation where you are feeling unsafe, help is available. Speak with someone today call 1800RESPECT ( 1800 737 732) available 24 hours a day 7 days a week
Another element to consider is have you and your partner become ships in the night…
Balancing the needs of a family can often lead to everyone running in different directions. Busy lifestyles limit time for intimacy.
Remedies to Low Libido
Does motherhood have to mean survival mode… and we just need to wait for the kids to grow up before it gets better??
Well yes and no.
Have compassion for where you’re at and the balance of family life whilst we can ensure that you are not depleting your adrenal energy reserves and throwing your hormone balance out of the window.
We can support you by providing signals of safety, anchors that bring your nervous system into regulation.
This might look like ensuring you are meeting your basic needs of nutrition, hydration, and hygiene… Yes, we need alone time showers to feel human.
But it can also look like 5 minute energetic rituals of connection on rising and retiring that connect you with your spiritual body and give you space to acknowledge your emotions from the day.
It’s about building bridges back to your capacity to do all the things you know you are supposed to be doing to feel healthy like those workouts you keep planning and putting off.
These bridges to capacity may be built on the backs of herbs and nutrients that lift you out of depletions and nourish your adrenals and nervous system.
Your healing path may look like these things listed below, but it may not… because we are all individual and that’s why you may need to discuss your path with a practitioner like myself.
Herbs for nervous system and adrenal restoration ie. Withania and Rhodiola
Restoring micronutrient levels such as Zinc, Magnesium, vitamin D etc as required.
Implementing nourishment through food - one handed and convenient as needed
Balancing Neurotransmitters with amino acid building blocks and PROTEIN
Functional Hormone Testing - Oestrogen, progesterone, testosterone (free and total), Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG), prolactin, DHEAs
Thyroid analysis - TSH, Free T3, T4 and Antibodies
Hair Tissue Mineral Analysis to review heavy metals and adrenal thyroid axis
Reviewing Salivary Cortisol
Herbs for acute libido and energy boost, ie Maca and Tribulus
One of the best resources I have come to embrace, shared with my family and teach to my clients is the framework of Non-Violent Communication.
In our sessions I offer holistic counselling where you can uncover your deepest needs and desires and we can build ways to to guide you to communicate the support that you need.
I also work with my clients through energetic practices, including breathwork, meditations and utilise flower essences to bring understanding of others and ourselves to the surface and guide us to shift emotions and energetic patterns we are ready to let go.
It’s often accepted as normal for mothers to drop their desire… because it is so common, it’s even joked about and I know I have felt out of place for wanting to feel sexy as a Mum.
But I believe we need to talk about sex, in safe spaces where we can feel comfortable to bare our truths because when we have a healthy sex drive it amplifies so many of the archetypes that we need to thrive within our Motherhood!!
If you would like my support to restore your vitalistic libido I invite you to book an initial consultation with me where we can begin our journey to navigating to your root cause and find the remedy path that is individualised to you and your needs.