Lessons from Lammas
Lessons from Lammas
This week we are celebrating Lammas in our home, it is the turning point on the wheel of the year between Summer Solstice and Autumn Equinox.
This Lammas has taught me the importance of the values that we are harvesting within our family. Harvest, in Lammas, is an acknowledgement of work accomplished and an opportunity to share what we have that is of value to others (for a deeper insight into Lammas traditions and history, read this blog post). It is important that we nurture our children's sense of curiosity and exploration, to fully support their autonomy so that they will grow to have trust in their instincts and honour their intuition.
These are the foundations on which my family is built, how I choose to mother my children, and how I guide the mothers I work with in tapping into their own intuition so they feel empowered to nurture their children in a way that feels right for them.
As an unschooling family, it is super important to me to give my children plenty of opportunities to explore new things and find what interests them. Sometimes I can put a lot of pressure on myself to do more or be more when it can feel like we aren't doing many structured activities. The fact that they are joyfully engaged in endeavours like girl guides, acrobatics, and soccer doesn’t spring to mind when I give in to that pressure. I let myself become lost in the wave of comparisonitis - in all the shoulds, musts, what ifs, and not enoughs - then I realise, it’s not about them anymore… it’s about me.
The realisation is deafening.
After dragging my kids along to a jiujitsu trial - and despite seeing that they were not in the least bit passionate about it - I found myself pressuring them to sign on. I was met with a showdown of wills, as my fierce younger daughter would not have it.
I later checked in with myself and realised that what was rising was fear…
Fear that stemmed from a need to protect myself as a child from bullies.
Fear that my children wouldn’t have the skills to defend themselves if they should have a similar experience.
In allowing my fears to get the better of me, I abandoned my values that morning. It wasn’t until the drive home that I gained the clarity I needed to apologise for pushing my needs onto them and had to reiterate how proud I was that they would show me what felt right for them.
You see, I cannot live vicariously through my children. They know this and I’m so grateful I have raised them to stand up for what they know to be best for them. I can explain my reasoning and say “I would love for you to be able to protect yourself in any scenario and I hope one day you will want to explore self defence, but it’s ok that this isn’t what you need right here and now”. I can ask their forgiveness for projecting onto them. And there is power in this realisation. There is power in this action. Not over them, but over my own fear.
What I’m getting at is honouring your truth over honouring a commitment that doesn’t feel aligned. Even if we factor in the cost of signing up for an activity again, when the kids have not seemed super keen, I am careful not to inject guilt into the question. I mean, can you think of a time in your life when you’ve stuck something out purely because you wanted to get your money’s worth? I’ll bet you still felt less than satisfied at the end of it...
That’s what happens when you go against your heart. If you’re not enjoying it, you’re not going to get more value out of it by sticking around simply because you spent money on the experience. Honour your instinct and quite so that you can make room for something that is aligned!
And that’s what I want to show my kids - that quitting is not a sin. If you choose to let something go that isn’t serving you, you are actually empowering yourself to make intuitive choices. If I don’t allow my children to quit on activities they are not enjoying, how will they feel empowered to let go of a job or relationship that isn’t right for them? Giving our children space to decide where they find value and what kind of experiences they want to have opens possibilities for their future, where they will be able to hold space for their decisions as adults.
If I were to offer you some advice about exploring your unraveling of stories, it would be to revisit our childhood:
What were the things you were told when you wanted to quit an activity? Were you made to stick it out for the sake of not letting down a team?
Were you made to feel guilty because hard earned money had been spent on this?
Was your desired endeavour just too intangible to be considered and you were directed to more “normal” pursuits?
How does this impact your life today? Take a look at your life and try to identify where you aim to please others, stick out bad jobs or relationships longer than necessary, or meet resentment for missing out on opportunities that you deeply desired but did not reach. Ask yourself how doing these things is serving you. I bet you’ll realise they aren’t.
Send love to your child self who didn’t receive that autonomy to dream and explore your joys. Allow yourself compassion to understand where your thought patterns have stemmed from and understand that they came from lines of conditioning and stories from people that thought they were doing the best they could at the time. Then, redefine your guidelines today, with yourself and with your family. Cut away old stories to make room for the new harvest, the values that you want to cultivate to grow and flourish.
Blessed Lammas to you and yours!
Love Dania