Acknowledging my depression had resurfaced

First off I want to apologize for disappearing in this space. 

I just logged into my podcast notes and saw I was partway through a podcast on celebrating winter solstice with our children… but it got abandoned… 

I fucked up. 

I didn’t listen to my own knowing. 

I got caught up in a whirlwind of fear and pushed myself to do more than my energy had available. 

You see last year I decided to take on more uni subjects then I had allocated my rhythm. 

I was scheduled to be finished my degree by the end of 2024. 

It was all planned out so that I could do it all alongside my children’s needs, homeschooling and parenting my way. 

But when the shit hit the fan in the early stages of 2020 I reverted into my version of survival mode. 

Fix it for everyone. 

I prematurely launched an in-depth course that required so much more of my attention than I had spare and then I realised… 

I better finish this degree. 

For multiple reasons, fear based of course, that I would be locked out of finishing if I did not comply with mandates… a conspiracy that has now come to light in some states… hopefully not mine yet. 

And other reasons where I saw the overwhelming need for mental health support and natural health being the only option for my future as I see it… loosing even more faith in the structures that we’re supposedly built to support us. 

Any who…

I took on way above my energy reserves but was luckily tucked away in my sanctuary that I had built within my home. 

I meticulously build environments that support my energy… the people I hang out with and events I attend are specially curated to support my energy. 

And when I was asked to step outside that bubble, when lockdowns ended and I was able to step outside my home and again able to contribute to society… I cracked. 

My energy was depleted. I was skating on a thin layer of reserves and pushing myself beyond that tumbled me down a rabbit hole of internalized memories feeling out of control.

Of course I was simply riding waves of anxiety induced rage and depressive episodes… things that I had once overcome with deep inner work and knowing how to strengthen my energy and the practices that keep me on track, were back from my past. 

But I stopped listening to myself in order to keep up with all of the heavy expectations I had laid out for myself. 

I was at the point where I wouldn't leave my home anymore for the panic attacks. I couldn’t hold the responsibility of looking after the world… how indulgent is this ego thinking I ever could take on that responsibility! 

It wasn’t until I stepped into my winter solstice cave of inner ceremony when it all came crashing into consciousness. 

I’m so grateful for my seasonal rituals that will bring me back into alignment even when I haven’t been listening to my inner voice. 

From there I scheduled myself appointments for Naturopathic support and I begrudgingly booked in with a GP to seek a mental health plan to speak with someone to help me through my panic attacks. 

I recognised that I needed external help to get myself back into my rhythm that could bring me back to myself. 

There were multiple hurdles that I encountered through this system that I won’t go into details here at the moment but I was grateful for the journey that I have already moved through in navigating what will work for me and trusting what to let slide. 

One big problem that I saw was that I requested help in june, and didn’t receive my first psych appointment until september, the system is that far behind. I was at the point where I was ready to walk away and say nah I got this… that self savior coming out again I had to push myself to attend.

The best part was being able to speak out loud all of the stories and emotions I knew I had tied to my fears and provide the space for them to link up and find relevance against each other. What was a spiral of messy emotion, a cloud of foggy stories that I could tell were linked but had no reason as to why become a thread that I could unwind and make a decision about if it was serving me.

So that’s where I have been. It was important that I could hold space for myself again before I could show up here for you, so if you are back listening to me again I thank you.