Today I was triggered...

Today I was triggered... it’s not something that everyone can relate to but it’s something that came up for me and it turned my stomach... I felt physically sick and actually paralysed by what my next move could be...

I feel a bit shitty admitting that my trigger is surrounding receiving. I feel like a horrible person for not responding to a massive gesture of kindness and love with gratitude and excitement and relief. 

I’m going to step into my vulnerability though and own this trigger... I’ve immersed myself into it for my entire day and although that has made me squirm with absolute discomfort I’m wanting to dig into the roots of this so that I can really understand why this is so hard for me... why do I hold so much resistance to receiving a gift that will help me rise out of struggle? 

I want to air out all the emotion and stories that are hiding within so that they can be disempowered and give me the opportunity to grow into my next level of self. So that I don’t keep repeating these patterns or pass them onto my children.

My initial reaction is to say no, I can’t accept that... it’s too much, I can’t repay such an offer, I have nothing to return to you. I’m the giver - ooh how selfish of me to be the only one allowed to give!!

Let us sit with this for a bit... does a gift need to be repaid? Reciprocated? How much gratitude can be expressed to be enough in exchange for such an offer of generosity?

Saying thank you just doesn’t feel like enough...? 

Do I then owe you? Allowing this to marinate with me for a few hours I have determined that there is no need to feel in debt, owing or under any type of control in response to this offer as it was made only with the intent of love and support.  

I questioned whether or not I was desiring the life of a martyr. Wanting to experience the struggle in order to show that I’ve worked hard and therefore I must be deserving... ha there’s that crux of self worth rearing it’s head.

Do I need to stay in the pits of despair and struggle to prove my worth? Logically I answer no... no one deserves that. I must remember I am as worthy of receiving, just as much as everyone whom I give my love and support to I too am worthy and deserving of receiving.  

Do I want the pity of all to know that I’m doing it tough? No that would be horrible... but this also sparks a sense of shame in accepting such a generous hand out... is it a pity offer, does this mean failure?  

Stepping away from the stomach turning anxiety that rises I know this is my fear talking this is not the voice of spirit telling me to be wary... this isn’t my intuition guiding me away from ill intent... It is the linger of guilt, pride, shame and fear of unworthiness that lives here in these stories and that’s not a voice I choose to let lead my life.  

In the end I need to surrender to my ultimate belief that the Universe is always providing for me. I called for help and here is that boost that is so needed to get us out of trouble. Trust that people are intrinsically good and when they can help they do... this is not offered with any ill intent only love.  

I’m hoping that by delving into this it brings me the strength to receive with gratitude and without fear next time this comes into my path... we’ll see. I trust I’ll be tested at sometime in the future.  

❤️ Dania